Cheeseburgers don't grow on trees.

i like toenails...they make your feet look better 'cause they cover all the fleshy stuff beneath it.

OK, this hair appointment is starting to hurt...

you sound like a mafia hamster in your text

Cheap and fast would be nice.

A little Bentyl and I'll be right as rain

peristalsis trumps scheduling!

I never sigh, but I have been known to burp or fart at times.

Anybody want a chair riser?

I've had another brain fart.

Is he stinky?

My brain is frozen after the touring blitz.

I'm not particularly fond of your stubble...

It's like undoing velcro, with no thumbs!

I refuse to give up my chocolate flavored Cheetos.

I would like to appreciate you if you will share the image with us.

Pretty girl waiting for cold cuts.

I just don't feel fully dressed without my pocketknife.

Nobody reads my faxes!

Oops, my trigger finger got carried away

He needs a man bra.

She can see to kick you!

With the size of my head, I should be able to receive high definition.

Sweet! Now I have a goal!

There is no indication in the system that her name was ever Fred.

Keep your monkey toes off Facebook!

The cliches are making my ears bleed.

If I were an oversized load, would you still be my guide vehicle?

By "step up" I mean belly down to the mud pit!

I'm in Taco Bell hell!

Don't congratulate me yet.

When we discuss her appetite, I'm expecting references to horses.

Sarcasm is one thing I do understand!

Those are the people I really like. I just have to remember that I
don't trust them.

Is there any way we can stop him from pooping?

He looks pregnant.

I got my usual response, which is no response at all.

We're not quite up to nitwit stage.

I'll save you a belch or two.

1st beep 1st served

Who is this on my hot dog?

It's time to break out the bacon bombs.

You don't deserve four kids. You only deserve three horrible kids. -JR

He's good for a whopper an hour.

I am 86 years old! What would I ever do with a man??? I would kill him!

don't forget your monkey leash...

I am also Sonya today.

Are you sure you want to delete "when will u die?"

Sounds like your barrell held up nicely!

uh oh... vomiting child!

He hasn't said anything in twenty years that isn't ticking and dripping.

I have an egg crate sitting in my office and ready to go!

Please do not respond to my messages.

It was death by chicken leg

He IS the drug and we all inhale.

Prepare to recieve the dividends of my constant laser spankings